These Days of Chaos

 

I sit alone in the dark. It’s not often I get these moments.

Alone.

Quiet.

My life is filled with utter chaos most days and getting any time to bask in the quiet of the day is unheard of. But, yet, I sit here and I can’t quite put my finger on what it would be like to live without that chaos. The noise. The laughter. The squabbles between siblings. The tears and the love. I hope and I pray that when my babes are grown and the noise comes to an end that I will remember these days of chaos. These days when I longed to be still and quiet will seem like a lifetime away.

Life is a journey and not a destination. Someone told me that once or perhaps I read it somewhere. This journey through Motherhood is filled with ups and downs. And, just when I think I have things figured out they get all turned around again. I do not know all the answers. I am not a perfect Mom.  But, what I know for sure is that I am perfectly ok with both of those things.

I sit here in the still of the night and I wonder. What if I didn’t have all this?  Who would I be?

The truth is that Motherhood has taught me so many things. It’s taught me resiliency. When I’m too exhausted to cuddle a sick babe in the night,  resiliency kicks in and I’m there with a cozy blanket and warm lap. It’s taught me unconditional love. When I lose my cool with my littles and raise my voice, there’s a little hand pulling at my pant leg saying “I love you Mommy”. Motherhood has taught me gratitude. I know so many women who long for what I have. They long for those 3 am feedings, the dirty diapers piled up like a mountain around them. They long for the sweet, tender kiss of a 3 year old or the sweet smell of a newborn baby.

And, so I sit here in the quiet. Wishing that this chaos lasts another day. Hoping that I survive it and bask in all its gloriousness.

I sit here and I’m grateful because I am resilient and filled with unconditional love for these babes that I get to call my own.

 

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