I sit alone in the dark. It’s not often I get these moments.
My life is filled with utter chaos most days and getting any time to bask in the quiet of the day is unheard of. But, yet, I sit here and I can’t quite put my finger on what it would be like to live without that chaos. The noise. The laughter. The squabbles between siblings. The tears and the love. I hope and I pray that when my babes are grown and the noise comes to an end that I will remember these days of chaos. These days when I longed to be still and quiet will seem like a lifetime away.
Life is a journey and not a destination. Someone told me that once or perhaps I read it somewhere. This journey through Motherhood is filled with ups and downs. And, just when I think I have things figured out they get all turned around again. I do not know all the answers. I am not a perfect Mom. But, what I know for sure is that I am perfectly ok with both of those things.
I sit here in the still of the night and I wonder. What if I didn’t have all this? Who would I be?
The truth is that Motherhood has taught me so many things. It’s taught me resiliency. When I’m too exhausted to cuddle a sick babe in the night, resiliency kicks in and I’m there with a cozy blanket and warm lap. It’s taught me unconditional love. When I lose my cool with my littles and raise my voice, there’s a little hand pulling at my pant leg saying “I love you Mommy”. Motherhood has taught me gratitude. I know so many women who long for what I have. They long for those 3 am feedings, the dirty diapers piled up like a mountain around them. They long for the sweet, tender kiss of a 3 year old or the sweet smell of a newborn baby.
And, so I sit here in the quiet. Wishing that this chaos lasts another day. Hoping that I survive it and bask in all its gloriousness.
I sit here and I’m grateful because I am resilient and filled with unconditional love for these babes that I get to call my own.