I know you don’t think you have space in your heart Mama. I know you wonder how you’re going to manage it all. But, Mama, I’m here to tell you you will manage and you do have space. You will be alright. I know this because I was once there too.
As I sit here and write this I am surrounded by sunshine. It’s streaming in through the windows of this damp coffee shop. The music is blaring and my fingers are dancing to the beat of the music across my keyboard. I take a sip of my coffee and I remember the taste so well. Coffee has been my vice since I became a Mom. I drank it occasionally before, but for the last 10 years or so, since I earned my Mom badge, it’s become a staple in my home. There are days that I drink it hot and black, but mostly my coffee is black and cold, though not on purpose. I gave up creamer long ago because using creamer meant that I had one more thing to remember. It seems as if the moment that I pour my cup of coffee, I feel a tug on my pant leg.
I have four kids. And when you have four kids, some days it feels like a thousand kids, but in the most amazing way.
Someone is always needing something. And, that’s ok. It’s my job to take care of them. It’s my job to look after their needs. For a quick moment, as I sip my hot coffee, I am taken back to the days of no children.
It’s been so long, that I’m not sure I remember what that feels like. I do remember the hot coffee though. Hot coffee is a luxury these days and certainly the days of hot coffee are few and far between.
I never thought I’d have four kids. When my husband and I first met we talked about kids. He wanted two kids, I said three. I guess we compromised at four. To be fair, our third pregnancy we got lucky with twin boys and that completed our family. The last four years since the twins were born have been absolutely crazy, to put it lightly. But, along with all the crazy, has come so much joy, laughter and insane amounts of love.
My kids are my life. Our kids are our life. Every decision we make, we consider them. It’s just what we do.
After our first child was born and we got pregnant with our second I was scared.
How will I love the second as much as the first?
Is there enough love in my heart?
Do I have patience?
Excitement? Yes, there was a lot of excitement, but also worry and uncertainty.
But, the moment I saw her I knew I was silly for questioning. She was as every bit as beautiful and perfect as I could have imagined. And, even though we already had two kids, when we got pregnant with the twins I had the same doubts as before. I wasn’t certain I could manage it all. But those uncertainties are washed away the moment you meet your little one.
As I sit here trying to remember what my life was like before kids, I know I can’t.
What would I do without the little pull on my pant leg? What if I didn’t hear the yells and the shouts from happy kids running up and down the hallway?
I can’t imagine it and I don’t want to. I was made to be their Mama. With each child my heart has grown. When I thought I couldn’t make the space to love another as much as the first, second, or third child, the love just grows and becomes a part of who you are.
You have the space Mama, you just don’t realize it. Your love for your little ones is never ending and constant and heart will grow in ways you never knew possible.